The Bachelor
by GeckoMoriaShadowLord
Summary: SanZo.AU.Sanji has been living the life of the careless, cheerful, happy-go-lucky single male for quite a while now. And his friends, all happily settled down by now, are pressuring him to find a pretty little someone to tie the knot with.


**Title: **The Bachelor

**Summary:** Sanji has been living the life of the careless, cheerful, happy-go-lucky single male for quite a while now. And his friends, all happily settled down by now, are pressuring him to find a pretty little someone to tie the knot with. That's how he ended up on 'The Bachelor'. Though he has vague memories of being chloroformed, duct-taped, and bundled into the backseat of his own Corvette and arriving at 'The Bachelor's' headquarters with the application taped to his chest and a large bribe chained to his foot. Bemused and resigned to his fate, our hero cook now finds himself straightening his suit and getting ready to go meet all the potential marriage candidates on live national television. Little does he know that there's a twist. Forty people have been chosen for his final picking. And they're not all women.

**Pairing: **Sanji x Many, Sanji x Zoro.

**Rating: **M for sexual content, vulgarities.

**Note**: I have no idea what strange, funny universe this story is located in that this kind of craziness would be on national TV. Holy shit, I must have been even more than insane to write this.

_**Prologue **_

Bachelor Blues

Now again, I think his or hers, for better or worse

But the only rings I want buried with me are the ones around my eyes

You're appealing to emotions that I simply do not have

I got the red carpet blues baby

-_"It's Hard to Say I Do When I Don't", Fall Out Boy _

~0~

It had all started with a simple question. He could feel the whispers of dread as soon as the orange haired minx had opened her mouth. The yellow hairs on the nape of his neck rose and crested, the static electricity which only an inquiry about his marital status could yield, turned the flaxen strands into sharp lances, infringing on the supremacy of his ego.

"Do you ever plan on getting married Sanji?"

Nami had propped a delicate wrist underneath her chin, the better to observe his singularity. The wedding ring on her ring finger gleamed gold in accusation.

He tried to laugh it off, make the whole thing a joke, reveal the ridiculousness of the entire farce.

"How can I possibly tie the knot when you are married, Nami? When I attended your wedding, believe me, I died inside." he placed a hand on his heart and gave her a hurt look.

"I'm sure you got over it fast enough, as seeing you started going out with Vivi two days after."

"Ah, that was only because I had lost you forever," Sanji makes sure to inject a note a fawning subservience, the better to get Nami to change the goddamn subject.

They are seated on the patio swinger couch, watching the gathering of their friends as they barbequed in Nami's backyard. Almost everyone has their respective better half.

But it's not like Sanji feels _left out. _Hell, he's grateful that he doesn't have a better half dragging him down. There's plenty of fish in the sea ready for him to tempt and bedazzle with his sweetmeats. He liked being a bachelor, thank you very much.

There was no responsibility. There was no clingy dame dragging him down into the cute domestic he so feared. There was no same ol' same ol'. There was no obligation to anything. It was just coasting for him.

And he was perfectly fine with that.

A fact that Nami, heavens preserve her, clearly did not understand. "But Sanji. You should think of settling down soon. You're how old?"

"Twenty-three," Sanji muttered, not liking the way the conversation was spiraling deeper and deeper into this madness. He wasn't old! Twenty six was not old! But Nami made it seem like he needed to buy Depends Underwear anytime soon.

Nami gave a little, tinkering laugh, "Twenty-three for the third time?"

"It's hard to keep track." Sanji said, and poured himself another tequila shot before getting up and bowing himself away, "I believe nature is calling my dear Nami."

As the blond cook made his way through the crowd of laughing and chatting people towards the house, he snatched some appetizers from the tables and another shot glass of tequila. It was about time to make his most esteemed exit. There was too much _married_ vibe floating around for his comfort level. Usually he didn't mind it, but sometimes he just needed to get away.

No, edit that. He liked his friends a great deal. They were the kind that never got boring. He just needed to get away from Nami's insistence. Sanji knew Nami. The woman would not stop until her desires were met. It was a great turn on in bed, but otherwise, worked to his disadvantage.

Sanji ran into Luffy, Nami's husband, right as he was passing through the kitchen. Luffy, one of his best friends, was a guy his own age, and too make it short, just flat out awesome.

Luffy grabbed him good-heartedly, "Sanji, you leaving already? Aw, come on! Stay a bit, the fun's just starting!" The messy black hair hung in his eyes and Luffy shook it away with a toss of his head. His trademark perched securely on his head.

"Yeah Luffy. Sorry, but I need to get back early today. Busy day tomorrow, you see," Sanji shrugged vaguely.

Luffy was already nodding sagaciously, a wise, long-suffering look on his face. Obviously, he wasn't paying any attention at all to what Sanji was saying, but he understood that A. Sanji needed to go and B. Sanji was sorry. "Go ahead then. Too bad you can't stay anymore. Maybe next time."

"Thanks man. Great party though. Night," and Sanji was off, after giving Luffy a tight hug. He slipped out the door after picking his jacket off the coat hanger, and so left _chez Luffy_.

~0~

"Did you try talking to Sanji about his _situation_?" Luffy asked Nami, as the former placed his steak in front of him and sat down with his orange haired wife. The Strawhat said _situation _like he was referring to a pregnancy.

Nami rolled her eyes and took a sip from her glass of wine, "Yes, and he ran out of here like his ass was on fire and his hair was catching. Seriously, Luffy. I can't believe how much trouble you're going through to get this idiot friend of ours settled down. I wouldn't have dared. If he wants to be single, then let him."

Luffy shrugged and smiled, "No, I know he'll love the guy that I'm going to hook him up with. They're so convenient."

"Compatible.", Nami immediately corrected, "And this is the part where I get lost. If you want Sanji to get with your friend, Choro-"

"Zoro."

"Yes. Zoro. Then why not just hook them up the normal way? Why are you going to go through all this trouble?"

Luffy mulled this over a bit, then grinned, "Because it's funnier this way. Anyway, I already gave Ace the go-ahead."

Nami rolled her eyes again. Men were impossible.

~0~

Sanji didn't even make it to the apartment. He parked his ink black Corvette at the curb to his house and turned around to lock it. The lights on his porch gleamed mellowly in the night and Sanji could already feel the warmth of the hot water cascading down his bare back.

That's when the pair of arms wrapped around his back and shoved him face forward into his Corvette, yanked his legs together and tied what seemed like steel rope around them. It was all very hazy, because the chloroform-gag was sending him off to worlds unknown.

"Wow, all that practice paid off." a very satisfied voice said behind him.

But he recognized the feel of those arms and that voice.

_Goddamn you_ was his last thought, before he was gone.

~0~


End file.
